I will rise! I will break this! I will rise! I will break this down...One of my favorite bands has this as lyrics to one of their songs. It reminds me that I will rise again. I will soar. I will break free of all that holds me down. I will become a new being. New flesh. New life. New body. New mind, body and spirit. How amazing is that! God loves me. God sent His son. God knew that through all the thorns, sticky points, prickers, blood sucking leaches, and tortuous days that we walk through in this valley...that we can fear no evil for He is with us. He will bring us to a point of breaking, and we will rise victorious over our situations, over the earth, over those vile souls that try and drag us through the mud...
but there is a catch.
We must look to Him.He will not push us. He will not force us. He is not the puppet master. He is merely standing, tears in His eyes, awaiting our slow motion run through life's hurdles into His waiting arms. Where he will whisper the words, "my child" "my beloved" my precious one" welcome home. Be the prodigal if you must in this life, but know that I am waiting here for you. To rise Undying to your home that is here, when the time is right... Thank you Jesus!

almost awake ...then you ran away

Taken by surprise. I almost tripped and lost myself down the rabbit hole. Where did I go? Where did you come from? I’m not perfect but I keep pushing. Taken by surprise I didn’t realize that you’d be there. Standing around the next corner.
I fell. Head over heels, and came crashing down upon the realization that I was waking up. That all along the best part of being asleep for years is when you wake up. When you feel the sun. Embrace the rain. Skip the numb. And realize that there is life after death . that the soul is just hibernating to insulate itself.
Insulating yourself tends to lock away the best parts of life and of you. I know. I ran. I hid. I ducked around every corner hoping to not run into you.
Romanticism. That’s what it is. Romanticized the best parts of you. Romanticized me. That I could be awake. That I could dream. That I could become some part of the larger puzzle of you.
You said a lot. So did i. We built something. We were climbing the tower to Rapunzels dungeon. Climbing up to a better place. Better View. Better us.
I had butterflies. Was it the soaring heights? Was it the view down below as I took my journey on wings? Was it holding my breath as I was too nervous to speak? As my tongue tied mouth tried to be conversational, aloof, intelligent, articulate, and something other than the bumbling fool I felt to be on the inside. Tripping over my feet or my brain or my tongue tied butterfly ridden, heat pounding, blood pressure spiked soul when you were near.
It was definitely a surprise to wake up and run into you. Not expecting anything but the cold ice reflecting off of my cold guarded soul. My being flushed when you came by. My temperature rose. My eyes misted with the realization that I’ve opened my eyes to possibility.
That I’ve opened my eyes to the place I dared not go. A place I dared not speak of. You were there. Albeit briefly, you were there. You saw me. You smiled. You were glad to be a part of me. For a minute. Nonstop to non-talk. Odd place, Odd feeling to be.
Abrupt rupture of all conversation of though. Fear. Or the possibility that we could soar on wings. Dance in the rain. Embrace without pushing away. And know that the journey…whether long or short. Would be a journey worth taking you and I.
A journey where you were there. Walking with me. Sunsets, dirt roads, water, beaches, and soaring through the sky to places higher than I’ve dreamed in years. Higher than I’ve ever dared to believe.
Soul awakened. Soul dreaming. Soul alive.

Only to be stopped short. By Silence.

Embryotic State

How do you convey the embryotic state of your heart?You may be feeling many things right now. But you are strong. Even in the embryotic state the unborn thrive and fight back against outside forces. Have you ever seen the footprint sticking out of a pregnant womans belly? Or heard the 'kicks' stories? I dare say that even before we are born, God has built within us the ability to fight. Kick against the outside pressures outside of our comfort zone. All the while he is forming us, he provides us a means to fight back. He instills in us a desire for comfort, peace, a place of stasis to float along in our own worlds. Yet, life isn't like that. But He know us, He created us. He gave us a desire to fight and rage against that which attacks us.So while you float in your embriotic state. While you curl up in emotional defense against that which attacks you.KNOW THIS:You will over come. God created you to Over come. God created you to kick and move and come into this world screaming and fighting. Knowing that with your first breathe, your first vision of light, you first memory...was that of a warrior fighting for survival. Fighting to succeed.Fighting to be known.

Nobody knows you

Sitting here thinking about loneliness. Sitting in our workplaces, at our homes, places where people are around us, feeling completely alone. I want that vacation back. I want people around me that know me and care about me as me and not what value I provide to them or what i can do for them. I want people who allow me to be crazy, happy, sad, and know me. I want to be able to dance in the rain (if it does that here), scream at the top of my lungs, and share in some deep romance that pushes loneliness to the farthest reaches of existance and disappears. I want to lay crying, surrounded by arms. Surrounded by slow breathing, and a sense, that those arms capture my loneliness, understand it, and bring me back to the place of childhood, where safe in a parents arms, I found peace.

Checking in...

But not checking out, or not checking my blog. Checking in on God. Where is he? Where has he gone? Is he here? Does he care? Is he listening? Does it even matter?
It does, he is, and if i can't see Him, it's because i'm looking at me, instead of at Him. He's always there.

What's Learned and Still Broken Elsewhere

YOU: will you not judge me if i tell you something?
Me:i never judge.
YOU: when you have some time, i have to show you something
Me:from your hong kong friend?
YOU:no and hes in singapore
Me:ohh right
YOU:you know how i kept saying i wish i cud find someone who loves me as crazily as i love...
i met someone who writes like me..uses words like me..is as passionate n shameless as me.
its insane how much similarity there is, yet the words take my breath away
hes much older
i have known him all my life.
so many common friends including the guy in singapore. he does not know about singapore.
Me:so where is he now?
YOU:Dubai
Me:you're doing what i did, and my life fell apart.
is that what you want?
YOU:what if i wont let it affect my personal life.
i dont want anything from him, we wont meet.
Me:ask if Special Now is ok with it
YOU:why do i feel trapped in my marriage?
Me:i wasn't going to meet my friend, and it wasn't going to affect my life.
in the end, all it did was create more discontent with my life,
wanting things the way the other person talked,
and when all was found out all hell broke loose.
it can't help but affect everything.
it does
so if noone cares, then continue
and drive yourself mad
YOU:already am
you know this
im not happy with what i have and cant change it.
cant i have a lil happiness on the side.
he makes me feel special. i havent felt that in years.. years.
no one needs me. and he rushes to talk to me.
Me:if you must have it, have it, but it will end badly. very badly. it always does.
face it, when the newness wears off, and the words have run dry, you'll be desolate again,
have to find more and more to satiate your thirst
it's a sad fact of being discontent in your life and doing nothing to make it better
by finding the good and loving the good and staying.
trust me, i know this all too well.
YOU:hmm
i want to be needed and when someone needs me why do i feel claustrophobic?
im such a bad person
Me:you're not a bad person, you're missing key parts of your life.
i remember numerous times where you and the Special Now someone had fun
you weren't claustrophobic, and you enjoyed being with him and saw him as a good man
you need to stabilize, not go off your emotional rollercoasters.
you live for the rollercoaster and it's killing you inside.
It's mania, not emotional intensity
YOU:i can count on my fingers and most of the time i was drunk.
we are not meant to be, i know that. hes not wrong but hes not right for me.
i care for him a lot. i want him to have what he wants but i cant be happy with him.
im a complete ingrate
Me:that is your choice.
an absolute of can't is your choice,
not 'in the cards' or just the way it is.
that isnt' real. choices are real
YOU:i create cesspools for myself dont i?
Me:yes, but so do i so you're not alone
YOU:i complain about drama and then embrace it
Me:yes
and you also have these realizations roughly every 3-4 weeks
mental menstrual cycle
YOU: go away, cloud. i dont need more conscience in my life.
Me:but you have so little already
and it's only the words i tell myself daily anyway.
YOU:the little conscience I do have kills me
i cant handle more
Me:you apparently need more, although reasoning doesn't work in emotional settings
YOU:u r good. u know not to go crazy, i on the other hand struggle with it everyday
Me:i struggle with it, but sadly, i've seen the extreme repercussions of letting myself succomb to it.
maybe that's what it'll take for you.
that and meds
YOU:it comes to you very easily now. please dont even suggest the extreme repurcussions..
just the thought makes the blood drain from my face
Me:yes it drains and you smack your face to get the blood back so you can put on your mask
live in fantasy land longer
what cost? at what detriment to you and elsewhere?
YOU:cloud, some body responded to me...
actually initiated contact and then told me how wonderful i was when he last saw me.
you know it took a penance to hear that.
at this time i would pay to hear those words.
someone thought i was good enough.
nobody, absolutely nobody has said that to me.
i felt special for once. i was being a leech.
i wasnt fantasizing...and this doesnt feel fake.
Me:of course it doesn't feel fake,
you told me you'd been talking to him prior and i knew where it was headed.
Me:Determine this...are mere moments worth a potential lifetime left of potential pain?
YOU:i need this. i craved for this for years now.
i got exactly what i prayed for.
Me:if it's not a big deal and doesn't hurt anything, the talk to your special now
YOU:i cant let this go. i'll talk to him
Me:you'll have to let it go.
YOU:this is so freaken unfair
i feel loved and happy and peaceful when i hear from him.
i dont complain about anything at home because i know i have that bit of happiness,
Me:external is temporary
eventually it'll not be enough, you know this
YOU:i dont know and i wont know if i dont give it a try.
are you asking me to stay unhappy?
Me:no, i'm asking you to choose happiness from within, not externally.
YOU:how?
Me:nothing external lasts if you are unhappy inside.
YOU:if i asked you to be in love with me, could you?
if you dont love, you dont love, you cant make it happen
decisions come first, feelings come second.
lust comes in an instant.
Me:if i could choose to love you then yes i could love you
YOU:no you couldnt. you dont and you couldnt
for 15 years, i have tried very hard to love special
i cant. i dont think i can love anyone
Me:but you can pretend to be happy in the meantime?
with momentary and fleeting things?
love is a choice not a feeling by the way
Me:Determine this...are mere moments worth a potential lifetime left of potential pain?

The Temple My Temple

I was reading my Bible this morning and it struck me....quite strangely in fact how God can use any part of scripture to impact your life.
I was reading about the Temple and how the Isrealites were rebuilding it, how it'd been destroyed and in need of building again as the icon to their faith.
As all good builders, they started with the foundation. Laying Concrete which would be the footing, the 'solid rock', the cornerstone, and the basis for which all the rest of the building was going to take shape.
And when it was done...? There was much complaining and much rejoicing. Half of the people were rejoicing praising God that the work had begun, the plans were laid and in motion, and the Temple was rising again. The other half...? Complaining, moaning, grumbling, in diress.
Why? They noticed that the Temple's foundation wasn't the same. It didnt' have the same layout, maybe one less room, maybe a smaller this or a smaller that, maybe something was missing entirely. Yet complaining at it's rebirth.
It reminded me of me. How most recently in my life, my foundation has been rocked. Torn to rubble, dashed against the horrors of my life and poor decision making and some things out of my control.
How just like the Temple, I am being rebuilt again. I am no longer sitting on the same foundation of pain, lies, hurt, emotion, hate, and anger that i once was.
And what do I do? I lament, i curse the day, I rue the night, I spring up wondering why it can't be the way it was? Why must i endure the pain of destruction to be rebuilt, and not even the same way?
Someone must've made a mistake!!
Yes as I thought about it more, and on my way to work, I realized that God is molding my foundation. He is asking my to take the good things from my previous, add them to my new, and rejoice. Rejoice and not Lament. For even though discomfort has arisen, Joy will arise higher than the pain of my foundational destruction.

So I pray that I will rise up, shake the rubble's dust from my old foundation, and sit, rejoicing at the new Temple that I am becoming with Joy, Anticipation, and Wonder at who I will be.

And so, when the temple is complete, I will not Lament, but rejoice and worship the Architect. He alone can turn my mourning to song. And I shall rise, newly constructed, again.