Loathe-some

The irony of a delusional label, a label of needing help, being unhealthy, and unstable is that the labeler shares the same needs in most cases. Pointing fingers, bringing others down, dragging someone through the mud for self vindication and 'forward movement' is ridiculous and makes no actual sense.
Forgiveness is for yourself and yourself alone. Keep it to that. Love yourself enough to know that mud is noones friend, retaliation is noones friend and death and decay of another through burning them is not an answer to salvation.
My problem? Loving too deeply. Trying too hard. Dissappointement. Dissappointment breeds discontent which breeds excursions into the improper and poor decision making.
I say to myself, find comfort in all that is blessed. All that i'm thankful for. And contentment where I sit. Then the wake of destruction blossoming from discontent will ebb back into the ocean of someone else's sesspool.
And my waters will be still.

I am still. I shall not retaliate. I will continue to pray for those i love. Unconditionally. No matter how well or poor i love,i love deeply. I will continue to that end. Looking forward. Looking up. Looking to a brighter day. I am loved by many. Those who hate shall not endure in my life.

I will overcome,in spite of their 'well wishes'

Hope Must Be RIght Around the Corner

I have prayed everyday that God would somehow change this.I have prayed everyday that God would change me and you.I have prayed that you would forgive me.I have prayed that you’d trust me more.I have prayed for healing.I have prayed for softening.I prayed you wouldn’t give up and quit fighting.I have prayed for you above and beyond myself.
I will continue to pray for you. Nothing has changed on my end except me.
I forgive you for doing this. You’ve made your choice. Thank you for letting me know. My unconditional has not changed no matter the circumstance.

BookEnds

I had two whole weeks to contemplate my small group topic for study last night. And what topic did i pick? Thankfullness. Which, in light of it being thanksgiving the prior week may have not been a stretch. However, thinking back to conversations I had over the last few weeks I took some time to sit and be thankful. And thankful. And thankful. You know what i came up with? There is a lot to be thankful for in my life. So many things, blessings, and people in my life that have brought so much joy, peace, and thanks to my life that it struck me...what am I stressing about?
Wait/What? Is Gary really going to change his stance on existence? Yes, i'm trying.
So my experiment that my group and I are embarking on: Bookends of Thankfullness.

Sitting on a shelf, tens, hundreds, thousands of books. Some Horror, Some Drama, Some Comedy, Romance, Self Help, History, and so on. This shelf is a wild connundrum of existence. On any given day you could pick up one of these books, take it down, and read about wild adventures or horrible misfortune. Destitue souls, or Souls Soaring with Romance. A caucophany of dissarray, displaced writings, and mismatched controversy. Yet what holds this ammalgamation together? BookEnds. BookEnds hold this seemingly mismatched roiling row in place, in hand, and under control.
The shelf is our lives. The book circumstances in them that affect us, either for good or bad, are the books. We become affected. What if thankfullness was our bookends? What if every night before bed, and every morning upon arising, we read our list of what we are thankful for, and pondered that throughout the day?
For the next two weeks. My group and I will embark on a mission of gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation bookending our day. More to come...

God's Tears

God doesn’t condemn me he cries…
I was talking with my friend the other day and we were discussing the act of living. The art of being, and the disappointment of this being all there is. What if there is more, where is the more, how do we find the more? We as men specifically, but as human kind also, constantly strive to find meaning, challenge, and more in our lives. We search. We hunt. We beg. We plead. We claw and scratch our eyes out looking for more, a reason. Yet what do we find? For many of us its heartache, pain, distraction, all of which only further burdens out hearts and increases the hole we are trying to fill.
Whether we know it or not, we are damaging to the core the very beings that we are. So much abuse happens in the world. Most everyone I know has been. Yet we wonder why the world is the way it is. Why we struggle the way we do. How we can live so affected by everything around us, close to us, and inside of us.
The answer, sadly, is that pain drives us forward and drives us mad. The very thing that pushes us to crawl into a hole is also what pushes us to keep moving, keep looking for something better.
And everywhere we turn, whether to God, or away from him, whether to cause pain, or to be afflicted with it. God is there. He is not condemning us. He is standing there, crying, arms outstretched, as if I were his only creation and he was sitting, awaiting my arrival. Or was he pacing, impatiently wondering when I’d know and realize that I was only hurting myself. Or was he weeping; just as He is weeping now at my return, at my homecoming.
He does not condemn us, he cries for us. He cries when we hurt. He cries when we turn away. He cries, knowing that all that we strive for outside of him means pain. He cries when we return. In my lowliest hour, God cries tears of joy. He cries because I am in pain. He cries because I’ve suffered. He cries because I am home. I am home; safely wrapped in His arms, while his tears rain down on my soul, washing my pain, providing rest.
He cries, because I am home. He cries because I am His child. He cries because it’s me, His precious One.
He cries for Me. I am home.
Go home, let God cry for you.

Wretched words of Hopefullness

Face down
Black
Dark
Broken
Holding onto
Nothing
Flash
Bang
Drought of soul
Rising
Screaming
Breaking Silence
Stand
Arms High
Screaming
Wailing
Beating
Why
Wonder
Panting
Sighing
Quiet
Head lowered
Prayer
Questions
Answers
Hope
Forward
Looking
Dreaming
Finding
Wanting
Peace
Healing
Love
Desire
Affection
Holding
Sitting
Waiting
Attempting
Patience

Another day with more lovely anger and remembrance

Just sitting, whether listening to songs, the quiet, or the raging inferno, it's still there. There is only so much thought you can block out. I do try, I do think that blocking thoughts would be a great idea, if it actually worked. Who knows whether the driving force is thoughts or emotions. Either way, i am being driven. Perhaps mad. Perhaps into a place of solitude. Perhaps to a place of contentment in any storm. Yet driven is the rain that pelts me.
I read an article about a guy today who enlisted in the army because he needed health insurance. Reaon being: His wife had cancer, he'd been laid off, and he needed to pay for her treatement. He enlisted for 4 years and was going to miss his youngest daugthers whole entire High School life. And possibly his wife's last breathes if she expired while he was enlisted and overseas or unavailable... what absolute love. What absolute devotion to his family and his wife. They all understood, while none of them liked it. This complete extreme of sacrifice. What a testament.
And then i sit, looking at my own life. My wife, who struggled with cancer, where i hid my face to sob daily as i watched the struggle she was going through. Doing all i could to comfort her, help her, be what she needed. The fear on both of our faces took its toll. The thought of loosing her consumed me...
I feel for those people who are going through it now. I know your pain. I pray for your peace, perseverence, and patience for God's plan to be revealed.
I lost my wife...to a far worse cause and reasoning than a cancerous death. She's still alive, but she's not mine anymore. Everyday i learn to live without her. Some days better than others. The screaming in my head, the thoughts of consuming love and fear of loss, somehow i think helped me be able to endure this, this limbo, this unknown, this 'loss' without death.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know I've loved that woman more than anything in the world. Regardless of ever showing it again. It will be there. It will change. But it will remain. How could it not?
I still await Gods plan, sometimes patient, sometimes not, but i do await it. I have no other option.

What's most important...

Is on the inside.
I echo

HOPE is not just the name of a woman i know

Hope is the reason we keep walking. Not uphill, not downhill, but walking. Sure we run into those times where it could be ups and downs, or backwards, but it's the act of walking that is hopeful. Yet it is also the act of crawling that is hopeful. Being knocked down, dragged around, beaten bloody, yet we claw, we scratch, we beg and plead, but we keep moving, we keep crawling...because we believe in a high purpose. A high place of rest and peace. A place where life and death are both freeing and solace is granted.
Although bloodied and broken; hope remains.
Although bruised and battered; hope remains.
Although crawling and crying out; hope remains.
Even when the world is crushing us; hope remains.
There is more out there than we can see, hear, taste, touch or smell. Yet it is the sweet aroma of hope that moves us. The outstretched arms that beckon us. The sweetness on our lips that bids us. The music on our souls that animates us. The unseen that draws us ever onward and upward to that sweet place of Hope.
I will keep clawing. I will keep crawling. I will keep walking. I will keep Running.
I will keep...
HOPE
For You and Me

I'm Hear

Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Quietly sitting
Welcoming your tidal wave
Embracing
Your heart
Drawing your words
Receding the aching
In your chest, your lungs
Burning with the pressure
Caught fire by longing
Gasping
Tell me...explain
Weep till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Ravaged spirit
Take heart and draw near
Safe in my arms
Encircling your wounds
Embracing your heart
Knowing your fear
You are dear
Loved and wanted
My child
Consoled
Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here

m-t

Reaching Out…
Feeling tenderness
Embracing warmth
Holding tightly
Smell of skin
Taste of lips
Heart Beating
Unison
Reaching Out…
Empty Space
Darkened room
Broken promises
Necrotic air
Sorrowful bitter
Deafening silence
Alone
Hoping for…
Quiet Spirit
Rising Hope
Restored Joy
Breathe again
Find Peace
Stop Screaming
Content

A Gentle Reminder

All the words that rumble about in my brain and those that will proceed out of my mouth, Lord, You be the author of those.

Psalm 84:1 reminds me that God's dwelling place is lovely. So, I ask God to dwell in me richly. I want Him to be what radiates about me. I want Him to be my pretty today.
Not my hair. Not my outfit. Not my efforts. But simply Him and His spirit dancing invisibly about me... shifting a wrong attitude, guarding my words, and whispering constant truths into my heart.

Psalm 86:11 is what I ask the Lord to give me. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart..."

Lord, may nothing separate me from You today. Teach me how to choose only Your way today so each step will lead me closer to You. Help me walk by the truth and not my feelings.
Help me to keep my heart pure and undivided. Protect me from my own careless thoughts, words and actions. And keep me from being distracted by MY wants, MY desires, MY thoughts on how things should be.

Help me to embrace what comes my way as an opportunity...rather than a personal inconvenience.

And finally, help me to rest in the truth of Psalm 86:13a, "Great is your love toward me."
You already see all the many ways I will surely fall short and mess up. But right now, I consciously tuck Your whisper of absolute love for me into the deepest part of my heart. I recognize Your love for me is not based on my performance.

You love me warts and all.

Something for me

barely visible to the naked eye
sits something for me
through my fog and roiling seas
mountains and valleys
shouts and moaning
pins and needles
sits something for me
I can feel it
something great
not through touch
tingling sensations
rushes of wind
nor sixth senses
but, something sits for me
I believe it
within reach, sits something for me
though i can't quite reach it
the mire pulls me back and down
the wind blows me off course
though crushed by the weight of life
I rest assured

Knowing
over there, just beyond my reach
glowing in the darkness
peace and warmth
awaiting my arrival
waiting to embrace me
comfort me
hold me
provide peace, sweet relief,
and at last rest
Just beyond Me
Sits God waiting for Me.

Flying Away

"And I say, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8 (ESV)

What in the world...

I'm sitting here wondering...how exactly do you go through a single day withouot thoughts of another. More specifically, trust one day, not the next.
The example of a leper. I am he. Yet I wonder, what part is falling off of me.
Could it be my extremities?
Or some other internal structure of me that is slowly decaying.
My liver and lungs, at an alarming rate of personal destruction.
My heart, even more quickly, at the expense of my soul,
Yet now, unrelated to my doing,
I am forced to acknowledge that I am not who i thought I was.
My mettle is less than.
I am succombing to the withering internal combustion.
Yet I refuse to be beaten...
I am searching, however, for a reason...
My motto...
If pain and difficulty make you stronger,
I do not wish to be a body builder.
So i will continue to minimize my pain.
However well or poorly i achieve that.
And I will press on.
As I am being pressed in from all sides.
And I still wonder,
How is it, that I am still an afterthought?

But not to everyone...
And I will rise...however slowly, I will rise.

Face Down

Have you ever thought about that moment? You know the one, where you ended up face down, sobbing into the carpet, tears welling into puddles of grief on the floor? How did I get here? How am I going to get up? Why me? Why now? I could’ve been so close, better, different. Why can’t it be just one more day, week, year? But no, it seems that there is some other purpose, a reason, pressuring the situation.
So now you lay, face down, curled up, fetal. So here you stay, broken, humbled, alone. So here you are, just you, heaving the depths of your soul onto the floor.
I was in a closet.
One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to endure had just occurred. So painful, that I had to run. I did run, past the people in the house, past the wood and stucco prison I now had to inhabit, empty. Up the stairs and fell face down, in the closet, heaving a grief stricken soul out onto the carpet already matted from the weight of my tears. Shuddering, Shivering, moaning, the guttural agony of my primal nature. My nature needs love. My nature needs compassion. My nature cries out for someone to hold. Every last ounce of me lurched onto the floor. And I lay, far from quietly, utterly alone.
Agonizingly I think of the part I played in this drama. We all play a part in the psychosis that we live each and every day. Sometimes we contribute heavily. Sometimes we are watchers. Either way, we play a part. The question … what part are we playing?
For me, I’m detaching, I feel like I am slowly turning into nothingness, as life passes me by. Slowly becoming the absence of love, like the abscess in my heart. Strange really, how one person, one word, one dream dreamt and unrealized can utterly catapult you into this place; A place where you are reduced to heart ache, heart break, heart wrenching loveless/love lost feelings.
I am reduced to lying face down on the floor, matted carpet, pain convulsions, empty.
There has got to be more than this. There has got to be more than what I have. What I’m offered. What I live.
Where is it? How do I grasp it? Dispelling feelings of empty space inside me, unlovable, worthless.
I cry out to the world, to the great expanse, and I sit back and listen…waiting.

Crushingly Far

Wretched death of my soul
Teeming with hate
Beating the masses in my chest
Clawing to tear away
Piercing lungs with poison
I am immersed
I am withdrawn
Wretched actions
Wretched feelings
Teeming
Riling
Beating back the beauty of me
Clawing at the facade I wear
Piercing this abscess
I am fighting back
I will rise again
I am on my way
Still far from home