Another day with more lovely anger and remembrance

Just sitting, whether listening to songs, the quiet, or the raging inferno, it's still there. There is only so much thought you can block out. I do try, I do think that blocking thoughts would be a great idea, if it actually worked. Who knows whether the driving force is thoughts or emotions. Either way, i am being driven. Perhaps mad. Perhaps into a place of solitude. Perhaps to a place of contentment in any storm. Yet driven is the rain that pelts me.
I read an article about a guy today who enlisted in the army because he needed health insurance. Reaon being: His wife had cancer, he'd been laid off, and he needed to pay for her treatement. He enlisted for 4 years and was going to miss his youngest daugthers whole entire High School life. And possibly his wife's last breathes if she expired while he was enlisted and overseas or unavailable... what absolute love. What absolute devotion to his family and his wife. They all understood, while none of them liked it. This complete extreme of sacrifice. What a testament.
And then i sit, looking at my own life. My wife, who struggled with cancer, where i hid my face to sob daily as i watched the struggle she was going through. Doing all i could to comfort her, help her, be what she needed. The fear on both of our faces took its toll. The thought of loosing her consumed me...
I feel for those people who are going through it now. I know your pain. I pray for your peace, perseverence, and patience for God's plan to be revealed.
I lost my wife...to a far worse cause and reasoning than a cancerous death. She's still alive, but she's not mine anymore. Everyday i learn to live without her. Some days better than others. The screaming in my head, the thoughts of consuming love and fear of loss, somehow i think helped me be able to endure this, this limbo, this unknown, this 'loss' without death.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know I've loved that woman more than anything in the world. Regardless of ever showing it again. It will be there. It will change. But it will remain. How could it not?
I still await Gods plan, sometimes patient, sometimes not, but i do await it. I have no other option.

What's most important...

Is on the inside.
I echo

HOPE is not just the name of a woman i know

Hope is the reason we keep walking. Not uphill, not downhill, but walking. Sure we run into those times where it could be ups and downs, or backwards, but it's the act of walking that is hopeful. Yet it is also the act of crawling that is hopeful. Being knocked down, dragged around, beaten bloody, yet we claw, we scratch, we beg and plead, but we keep moving, we keep crawling...because we believe in a high purpose. A high place of rest and peace. A place where life and death are both freeing and solace is granted.
Although bloodied and broken; hope remains.
Although bruised and battered; hope remains.
Although crawling and crying out; hope remains.
Even when the world is crushing us; hope remains.
There is more out there than we can see, hear, taste, touch or smell. Yet it is the sweet aroma of hope that moves us. The outstretched arms that beckon us. The sweetness on our lips that bids us. The music on our souls that animates us. The unseen that draws us ever onward and upward to that sweet place of Hope.
I will keep clawing. I will keep crawling. I will keep walking. I will keep Running.
I will keep...
HOPE
For You and Me

I'm Hear

Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Quietly sitting
Welcoming your tidal wave
Embracing
Your heart
Drawing your words
Receding the aching
In your chest, your lungs
Burning with the pressure
Caught fire by longing
Gasping
Tell me...explain
Weep till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Ravaged spirit
Take heart and draw near
Safe in my arms
Encircling your wounds
Embracing your heart
Knowing your fear
You are dear
Loved and wanted
My child
Consoled
Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here