Reaching Out…
Feeling tenderness
Embracing warmth
Holding tightly
Smell of skin
Taste of lips
Heart Beating
Unison
Reaching Out…
Empty Space
Darkened room
Broken promises
Necrotic air
Sorrowful bitter
Deafening silence
Alone
Hoping for…
Quiet Spirit
Rising Hope
Restored Joy
Breathe again
Find Peace
Stop Screaming
Content
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A Gentle Reminder
All the words that rumble about in my brain and those that will proceed out of my mouth, Lord, You be the author of those.
Psalm 84:1 reminds me that God's dwelling place is lovely. So, I ask God to dwell in me richly. I want Him to be what radiates about me. I want Him to be my pretty today.
Not my hair. Not my outfit. Not my efforts. But simply Him and His spirit dancing invisibly about me... shifting a wrong attitude, guarding my words, and whispering constant truths into my heart.
Psalm 86:11 is what I ask the Lord to give me. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart..."
Lord, may nothing separate me from You today. Teach me how to choose only Your way today so each step will lead me closer to You. Help me walk by the truth and not my feelings.
Help me to keep my heart pure and undivided. Protect me from my own careless thoughts, words and actions. And keep me from being distracted by MY wants, MY desires, MY thoughts on how things should be.
Help me to embrace what comes my way as an opportunity...rather than a personal inconvenience.
And finally, help me to rest in the truth of Psalm 86:13a, "Great is your love toward me."
You already see all the many ways I will surely fall short and mess up. But right now, I consciously tuck Your whisper of absolute love for me into the deepest part of my heart. I recognize Your love for me is not based on my performance.
You love me warts and all.
Psalm 84:1 reminds me that God's dwelling place is lovely. So, I ask God to dwell in me richly. I want Him to be what radiates about me. I want Him to be my pretty today.
Not my hair. Not my outfit. Not my efforts. But simply Him and His spirit dancing invisibly about me... shifting a wrong attitude, guarding my words, and whispering constant truths into my heart.
Psalm 86:11 is what I ask the Lord to give me. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart..."
Lord, may nothing separate me from You today. Teach me how to choose only Your way today so each step will lead me closer to You. Help me walk by the truth and not my feelings.
Help me to keep my heart pure and undivided. Protect me from my own careless thoughts, words and actions. And keep me from being distracted by MY wants, MY desires, MY thoughts on how things should be.
Help me to embrace what comes my way as an opportunity...rather than a personal inconvenience.
And finally, help me to rest in the truth of Psalm 86:13a, "Great is your love toward me."
You already see all the many ways I will surely fall short and mess up. But right now, I consciously tuck Your whisper of absolute love for me into the deepest part of my heart. I recognize Your love for me is not based on my performance.
You love me warts and all.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Something for me
barely visible to the naked eye
sits something for me
through my fog and roiling seas
mountains and valleys
shouts and moaning
pins and needles
sits something for me
I can feel it
something great
not through touch
tingling sensations
rushes of wind
nor sixth senses
but, something sits for me
I believe it
within reach, sits something for me
though i can't quite reach it
the mire pulls me back and down
the wind blows me off course
though crushed by the weight of life
I rest assured
Knowing
over there, just beyond my reach
glowing in the darkness
peace and warmth
awaiting my arrival
waiting to embrace me
comfort me
hold me
provide peace, sweet relief,
and at last rest
Just beyond Me
Sits God waiting for Me.
sits something for me
through my fog and roiling seas
mountains and valleys
shouts and moaning
pins and needles
sits something for me
I can feel it
something great
not through touch
tingling sensations
rushes of wind
nor sixth senses
but, something sits for me
I believe it
within reach, sits something for me
though i can't quite reach it
the mire pulls me back and down
the wind blows me off course
though crushed by the weight of life
I rest assured
Knowing
over there, just beyond my reach
glowing in the darkness
peace and warmth
awaiting my arrival
waiting to embrace me
comfort me
hold me
provide peace, sweet relief,
and at last rest
Just beyond Me
Sits God waiting for Me.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Flying Away
"And I say, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8 (ESV)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What in the world...
I'm sitting here wondering...how exactly do you go through a single day withouot thoughts of another. More specifically, trust one day, not the next.
The example of a leper. I am he. Yet I wonder, what part is falling off of me.
Could it be my extremities?
Or some other internal structure of me that is slowly decaying.
My liver and lungs, at an alarming rate of personal destruction.
My heart, even more quickly, at the expense of my soul,
Yet now, unrelated to my doing,
I am forced to acknowledge that I am not who i thought I was.
My mettle is less than.
I am succombing to the withering internal combustion.
Yet I refuse to be beaten...
I am searching, however, for a reason...
My motto...
If pain and difficulty make you stronger,
I do not wish to be a body builder.
So i will continue to minimize my pain.
However well or poorly i achieve that.
And I will press on.
As I am being pressed in from all sides.
And I still wonder,
How is it, that I am still an afterthought?
But not to everyone...
And I will rise...however slowly, I will rise.
The example of a leper. I am he. Yet I wonder, what part is falling off of me.
Could it be my extremities?
Or some other internal structure of me that is slowly decaying.
My liver and lungs, at an alarming rate of personal destruction.
My heart, even more quickly, at the expense of my soul,
Yet now, unrelated to my doing,
I am forced to acknowledge that I am not who i thought I was.
My mettle is less than.
I am succombing to the withering internal combustion.
Yet I refuse to be beaten...
I am searching, however, for a reason...
My motto...
If pain and difficulty make you stronger,
I do not wish to be a body builder.
So i will continue to minimize my pain.
However well or poorly i achieve that.
And I will press on.
As I am being pressed in from all sides.
And I still wonder,
How is it, that I am still an afterthought?
But not to everyone...
And I will rise...however slowly, I will rise.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Face Down
Have you ever thought about that moment? You know the one, where you ended up face down, sobbing into the carpet, tears welling into puddles of grief on the floor? How did I get here? How am I going to get up? Why me? Why now? I could’ve been so close, better, different. Why can’t it be just one more day, week, year? But no, it seems that there is some other purpose, a reason, pressuring the situation.
So now you lay, face down, curled up, fetal. So here you stay, broken, humbled, alone. So here you are, just you, heaving the depths of your soul onto the floor.
I was in a closet.
One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to endure had just occurred. So painful, that I had to run. I did run, past the people in the house, past the wood and stucco prison I now had to inhabit, empty. Up the stairs and fell face down, in the closet, heaving a grief stricken soul out onto the carpet already matted from the weight of my tears. Shuddering, Shivering, moaning, the guttural agony of my primal nature. My nature needs love. My nature needs compassion. My nature cries out for someone to hold. Every last ounce of me lurched onto the floor. And I lay, far from quietly, utterly alone.
Agonizingly I think of the part I played in this drama. We all play a part in the psychosis that we live each and every day. Sometimes we contribute heavily. Sometimes we are watchers. Either way, we play a part. The question … what part are we playing?
For me, I’m detaching, I feel like I am slowly turning into nothingness, as life passes me by. Slowly becoming the absence of love, like the abscess in my heart. Strange really, how one person, one word, one dream dreamt and unrealized can utterly catapult you into this place; A place where you are reduced to heart ache, heart break, heart wrenching loveless/love lost feelings.
I am reduced to lying face down on the floor, matted carpet, pain convulsions, empty.
There has got to be more than this. There has got to be more than what I have. What I’m offered. What I live.
Where is it? How do I grasp it? Dispelling feelings of empty space inside me, unlovable, worthless.
I cry out to the world, to the great expanse, and I sit back and listen…waiting.
So now you lay, face down, curled up, fetal. So here you stay, broken, humbled, alone. So here you are, just you, heaving the depths of your soul onto the floor.
I was in a closet.
One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to endure had just occurred. So painful, that I had to run. I did run, past the people in the house, past the wood and stucco prison I now had to inhabit, empty. Up the stairs and fell face down, in the closet, heaving a grief stricken soul out onto the carpet already matted from the weight of my tears. Shuddering, Shivering, moaning, the guttural agony of my primal nature. My nature needs love. My nature needs compassion. My nature cries out for someone to hold. Every last ounce of me lurched onto the floor. And I lay, far from quietly, utterly alone.
Agonizingly I think of the part I played in this drama. We all play a part in the psychosis that we live each and every day. Sometimes we contribute heavily. Sometimes we are watchers. Either way, we play a part. The question … what part are we playing?
For me, I’m detaching, I feel like I am slowly turning into nothingness, as life passes me by. Slowly becoming the absence of love, like the abscess in my heart. Strange really, how one person, one word, one dream dreamt and unrealized can utterly catapult you into this place; A place where you are reduced to heart ache, heart break, heart wrenching loveless/love lost feelings.
I am reduced to lying face down on the floor, matted carpet, pain convulsions, empty.
There has got to be more than this. There has got to be more than what I have. What I’m offered. What I live.
Where is it? How do I grasp it? Dispelling feelings of empty space inside me, unlovable, worthless.
I cry out to the world, to the great expanse, and I sit back and listen…waiting.
Crushingly Far
Wretched death of my soul
Teeming with hate
Beating the masses in my chest
Clawing to tear away
Piercing lungs with poison
I am immersed
I am withdrawn
Wretched actions
Wretched feelings
Teeming
Riling
Beating back the beauty of me
Clawing at the facade I wear
Piercing this abscess
I am fighting back
I will rise again
I am on my way
Still far from home
Teeming with hate
Beating the masses in my chest
Clawing to tear away
Piercing lungs with poison
I am immersed
I am withdrawn
Wretched actions
Wretched feelings
Teeming
Riling
Beating back the beauty of me
Clawing at the facade I wear
Piercing this abscess
I am fighting back
I will rise again
I am on my way
Still far from home
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