I will rise! I will break this! I will rise! I will break this down...One of my favorite bands has this as lyrics to one of their songs. It reminds me that I will rise again. I will soar. I will break free of all that holds me down. I will become a new being. New flesh. New life. New body. New mind, body and spirit. How amazing is that! God loves me. God sent His son. God knew that through all the thorns, sticky points, prickers, blood sucking leaches, and tortuous days that we walk through in this valley...that we can fear no evil for He is with us. He will bring us to a point of breaking, and we will rise victorious over our situations, over the earth, over those vile souls that try and drag us through the mud...
but there is a catch.
We must look to Him.He will not push us. He will not force us. He is not the puppet master. He is merely standing, tears in His eyes, awaiting our slow motion run through life's hurdles into His waiting arms. Where he will whisper the words, "my child" "my beloved" my precious one" welcome home. Be the prodigal if you must in this life, but know that I am waiting here for you. To rise Undying to your home that is here, when the time is right... Thank you Jesus!

almost awake ...then you ran away

Taken by surprise. I almost tripped and lost myself down the rabbit hole. Where did I go? Where did you come from? I’m not perfect but I keep pushing. Taken by surprise I didn’t realize that you’d be there. Standing around the next corner.
I fell. Head over heels, and came crashing down upon the realization that I was waking up. That all along the best part of being asleep for years is when you wake up. When you feel the sun. Embrace the rain. Skip the numb. And realize that there is life after death . that the soul is just hibernating to insulate itself.
Insulating yourself tends to lock away the best parts of life and of you. I know. I ran. I hid. I ducked around every corner hoping to not run into you.
Romanticism. That’s what it is. Romanticized the best parts of you. Romanticized me. That I could be awake. That I could dream. That I could become some part of the larger puzzle of you.
You said a lot. So did i. We built something. We were climbing the tower to Rapunzels dungeon. Climbing up to a better place. Better View. Better us.
I had butterflies. Was it the soaring heights? Was it the view down below as I took my journey on wings? Was it holding my breath as I was too nervous to speak? As my tongue tied mouth tried to be conversational, aloof, intelligent, articulate, and something other than the bumbling fool I felt to be on the inside. Tripping over my feet or my brain or my tongue tied butterfly ridden, heat pounding, blood pressure spiked soul when you were near.
It was definitely a surprise to wake up and run into you. Not expecting anything but the cold ice reflecting off of my cold guarded soul. My being flushed when you came by. My temperature rose. My eyes misted with the realization that I’ve opened my eyes to possibility.
That I’ve opened my eyes to the place I dared not go. A place I dared not speak of. You were there. Albeit briefly, you were there. You saw me. You smiled. You were glad to be a part of me. For a minute. Nonstop to non-talk. Odd place, Odd feeling to be.
Abrupt rupture of all conversation of though. Fear. Or the possibility that we could soar on wings. Dance in the rain. Embrace without pushing away. And know that the journey…whether long or short. Would be a journey worth taking you and I.
A journey where you were there. Walking with me. Sunsets, dirt roads, water, beaches, and soaring through the sky to places higher than I’ve dreamed in years. Higher than I’ve ever dared to believe.
Soul awakened. Soul dreaming. Soul alive.

Only to be stopped short. By Silence.

Embryotic State

How do you convey the embryotic state of your heart?You may be feeling many things right now. But you are strong. Even in the embryotic state the unborn thrive and fight back against outside forces. Have you ever seen the footprint sticking out of a pregnant womans belly? Or heard the 'kicks' stories? I dare say that even before we are born, God has built within us the ability to fight. Kick against the outside pressures outside of our comfort zone. All the while he is forming us, he provides us a means to fight back. He instills in us a desire for comfort, peace, a place of stasis to float along in our own worlds. Yet, life isn't like that. But He know us, He created us. He gave us a desire to fight and rage against that which attacks us.So while you float in your embriotic state. While you curl up in emotional defense against that which attacks you.KNOW THIS:You will over come. God created you to Over come. God created you to kick and move and come into this world screaming and fighting. Knowing that with your first breathe, your first vision of light, you first memory...was that of a warrior fighting for survival. Fighting to succeed.Fighting to be known.

Nobody knows you

Sitting here thinking about loneliness. Sitting in our workplaces, at our homes, places where people are around us, feeling completely alone. I want that vacation back. I want people around me that know me and care about me as me and not what value I provide to them or what i can do for them. I want people who allow me to be crazy, happy, sad, and know me. I want to be able to dance in the rain (if it does that here), scream at the top of my lungs, and share in some deep romance that pushes loneliness to the farthest reaches of existance and disappears. I want to lay crying, surrounded by arms. Surrounded by slow breathing, and a sense, that those arms capture my loneliness, understand it, and bring me back to the place of childhood, where safe in a parents arms, I found peace.

Checking in...

But not checking out, or not checking my blog. Checking in on God. Where is he? Where has he gone? Is he here? Does he care? Is he listening? Does it even matter?
It does, he is, and if i can't see Him, it's because i'm looking at me, instead of at Him. He's always there.

What's Learned and Still Broken Elsewhere

YOU: will you not judge me if i tell you something?
Me:i never judge.
YOU: when you have some time, i have to show you something
Me:from your hong kong friend?
YOU:no and hes in singapore
Me:ohh right
YOU:you know how i kept saying i wish i cud find someone who loves me as crazily as i love...
i met someone who writes like me..uses words like me..is as passionate n shameless as me.
its insane how much similarity there is, yet the words take my breath away
hes much older
i have known him all my life.
so many common friends including the guy in singapore. he does not know about singapore.
Me:so where is he now?
YOU:Dubai
Me:you're doing what i did, and my life fell apart.
is that what you want?
YOU:what if i wont let it affect my personal life.
i dont want anything from him, we wont meet.
Me:ask if Special Now is ok with it
YOU:why do i feel trapped in my marriage?
Me:i wasn't going to meet my friend, and it wasn't going to affect my life.
in the end, all it did was create more discontent with my life,
wanting things the way the other person talked,
and when all was found out all hell broke loose.
it can't help but affect everything.
it does
so if noone cares, then continue
and drive yourself mad
YOU:already am
you know this
im not happy with what i have and cant change it.
cant i have a lil happiness on the side.
he makes me feel special. i havent felt that in years.. years.
no one needs me. and he rushes to talk to me.
Me:if you must have it, have it, but it will end badly. very badly. it always does.
face it, when the newness wears off, and the words have run dry, you'll be desolate again,
have to find more and more to satiate your thirst
it's a sad fact of being discontent in your life and doing nothing to make it better
by finding the good and loving the good and staying.
trust me, i know this all too well.
YOU:hmm
i want to be needed and when someone needs me why do i feel claustrophobic?
im such a bad person
Me:you're not a bad person, you're missing key parts of your life.
i remember numerous times where you and the Special Now someone had fun
you weren't claustrophobic, and you enjoyed being with him and saw him as a good man
you need to stabilize, not go off your emotional rollercoasters.
you live for the rollercoaster and it's killing you inside.
It's mania, not emotional intensity
YOU:i can count on my fingers and most of the time i was drunk.
we are not meant to be, i know that. hes not wrong but hes not right for me.
i care for him a lot. i want him to have what he wants but i cant be happy with him.
im a complete ingrate
Me:that is your choice.
an absolute of can't is your choice,
not 'in the cards' or just the way it is.
that isnt' real. choices are real
YOU:i create cesspools for myself dont i?
Me:yes, but so do i so you're not alone
YOU:i complain about drama and then embrace it
Me:yes
and you also have these realizations roughly every 3-4 weeks
mental menstrual cycle
YOU: go away, cloud. i dont need more conscience in my life.
Me:but you have so little already
and it's only the words i tell myself daily anyway.
YOU:the little conscience I do have kills me
i cant handle more
Me:you apparently need more, although reasoning doesn't work in emotional settings
YOU:u r good. u know not to go crazy, i on the other hand struggle with it everyday
Me:i struggle with it, but sadly, i've seen the extreme repercussions of letting myself succomb to it.
maybe that's what it'll take for you.
that and meds
YOU:it comes to you very easily now. please dont even suggest the extreme repurcussions..
just the thought makes the blood drain from my face
Me:yes it drains and you smack your face to get the blood back so you can put on your mask
live in fantasy land longer
what cost? at what detriment to you and elsewhere?
YOU:cloud, some body responded to me...
actually initiated contact and then told me how wonderful i was when he last saw me.
you know it took a penance to hear that.
at this time i would pay to hear those words.
someone thought i was good enough.
nobody, absolutely nobody has said that to me.
i felt special for once. i was being a leech.
i wasnt fantasizing...and this doesnt feel fake.
Me:of course it doesn't feel fake,
you told me you'd been talking to him prior and i knew where it was headed.
Me:Determine this...are mere moments worth a potential lifetime left of potential pain?
YOU:i need this. i craved for this for years now.
i got exactly what i prayed for.
Me:if it's not a big deal and doesn't hurt anything, the talk to your special now
YOU:i cant let this go. i'll talk to him
Me:you'll have to let it go.
YOU:this is so freaken unfair
i feel loved and happy and peaceful when i hear from him.
i dont complain about anything at home because i know i have that bit of happiness,
Me:external is temporary
eventually it'll not be enough, you know this
YOU:i dont know and i wont know if i dont give it a try.
are you asking me to stay unhappy?
Me:no, i'm asking you to choose happiness from within, not externally.
YOU:how?
Me:nothing external lasts if you are unhappy inside.
YOU:if i asked you to be in love with me, could you?
if you dont love, you dont love, you cant make it happen
decisions come first, feelings come second.
lust comes in an instant.
Me:if i could choose to love you then yes i could love you
YOU:no you couldnt. you dont and you couldnt
for 15 years, i have tried very hard to love special
i cant. i dont think i can love anyone
Me:but you can pretend to be happy in the meantime?
with momentary and fleeting things?
love is a choice not a feeling by the way
Me:Determine this...are mere moments worth a potential lifetime left of potential pain?

The Temple My Temple

I was reading my Bible this morning and it struck me....quite strangely in fact how God can use any part of scripture to impact your life.
I was reading about the Temple and how the Isrealites were rebuilding it, how it'd been destroyed and in need of building again as the icon to their faith.
As all good builders, they started with the foundation. Laying Concrete which would be the footing, the 'solid rock', the cornerstone, and the basis for which all the rest of the building was going to take shape.
And when it was done...? There was much complaining and much rejoicing. Half of the people were rejoicing praising God that the work had begun, the plans were laid and in motion, and the Temple was rising again. The other half...? Complaining, moaning, grumbling, in diress.
Why? They noticed that the Temple's foundation wasn't the same. It didnt' have the same layout, maybe one less room, maybe a smaller this or a smaller that, maybe something was missing entirely. Yet complaining at it's rebirth.
It reminded me of me. How most recently in my life, my foundation has been rocked. Torn to rubble, dashed against the horrors of my life and poor decision making and some things out of my control.
How just like the Temple, I am being rebuilt again. I am no longer sitting on the same foundation of pain, lies, hurt, emotion, hate, and anger that i once was.
And what do I do? I lament, i curse the day, I rue the night, I spring up wondering why it can't be the way it was? Why must i endure the pain of destruction to be rebuilt, and not even the same way?
Someone must've made a mistake!!
Yes as I thought about it more, and on my way to work, I realized that God is molding my foundation. He is asking my to take the good things from my previous, add them to my new, and rejoice. Rejoice and not Lament. For even though discomfort has arisen, Joy will arise higher than the pain of my foundational destruction.

So I pray that I will rise up, shake the rubble's dust from my old foundation, and sit, rejoicing at the new Temple that I am becoming with Joy, Anticipation, and Wonder at who I will be.

And so, when the temple is complete, I will not Lament, but rejoice and worship the Architect. He alone can turn my mourning to song. And I shall rise, newly constructed, again.

Loathe-some

The irony of a delusional label, a label of needing help, being unhealthy, and unstable is that the labeler shares the same needs in most cases. Pointing fingers, bringing others down, dragging someone through the mud for self vindication and 'forward movement' is ridiculous and makes no actual sense.
Forgiveness is for yourself and yourself alone. Keep it to that. Love yourself enough to know that mud is noones friend, retaliation is noones friend and death and decay of another through burning them is not an answer to salvation.
My problem? Loving too deeply. Trying too hard. Dissappointement. Dissappointment breeds discontent which breeds excursions into the improper and poor decision making.
I say to myself, find comfort in all that is blessed. All that i'm thankful for. And contentment where I sit. Then the wake of destruction blossoming from discontent will ebb back into the ocean of someone else's sesspool.
And my waters will be still.

I am still. I shall not retaliate. I will continue to pray for those i love. Unconditionally. No matter how well or poor i love,i love deeply. I will continue to that end. Looking forward. Looking up. Looking to a brighter day. I am loved by many. Those who hate shall not endure in my life.

I will overcome,in spite of their 'well wishes'

Hope Must Be RIght Around the Corner

I have prayed everyday that God would somehow change this.I have prayed everyday that God would change me and you.I have prayed that you would forgive me.I have prayed that you’d trust me more.I have prayed for healing.I have prayed for softening.I prayed you wouldn’t give up and quit fighting.I have prayed for you above and beyond myself.
I will continue to pray for you. Nothing has changed on my end except me.
I forgive you for doing this. You’ve made your choice. Thank you for letting me know. My unconditional has not changed no matter the circumstance.

BookEnds

I had two whole weeks to contemplate my small group topic for study last night. And what topic did i pick? Thankfullness. Which, in light of it being thanksgiving the prior week may have not been a stretch. However, thinking back to conversations I had over the last few weeks I took some time to sit and be thankful. And thankful. And thankful. You know what i came up with? There is a lot to be thankful for in my life. So many things, blessings, and people in my life that have brought so much joy, peace, and thanks to my life that it struck me...what am I stressing about?
Wait/What? Is Gary really going to change his stance on existence? Yes, i'm trying.
So my experiment that my group and I are embarking on: Bookends of Thankfullness.

Sitting on a shelf, tens, hundreds, thousands of books. Some Horror, Some Drama, Some Comedy, Romance, Self Help, History, and so on. This shelf is a wild connundrum of existence. On any given day you could pick up one of these books, take it down, and read about wild adventures or horrible misfortune. Destitue souls, or Souls Soaring with Romance. A caucophany of dissarray, displaced writings, and mismatched controversy. Yet what holds this ammalgamation together? BookEnds. BookEnds hold this seemingly mismatched roiling row in place, in hand, and under control.
The shelf is our lives. The book circumstances in them that affect us, either for good or bad, are the books. We become affected. What if thankfullness was our bookends? What if every night before bed, and every morning upon arising, we read our list of what we are thankful for, and pondered that throughout the day?
For the next two weeks. My group and I will embark on a mission of gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation bookending our day. More to come...

God's Tears

God doesn’t condemn me he cries…
I was talking with my friend the other day and we were discussing the act of living. The art of being, and the disappointment of this being all there is. What if there is more, where is the more, how do we find the more? We as men specifically, but as human kind also, constantly strive to find meaning, challenge, and more in our lives. We search. We hunt. We beg. We plead. We claw and scratch our eyes out looking for more, a reason. Yet what do we find? For many of us its heartache, pain, distraction, all of which only further burdens out hearts and increases the hole we are trying to fill.
Whether we know it or not, we are damaging to the core the very beings that we are. So much abuse happens in the world. Most everyone I know has been. Yet we wonder why the world is the way it is. Why we struggle the way we do. How we can live so affected by everything around us, close to us, and inside of us.
The answer, sadly, is that pain drives us forward and drives us mad. The very thing that pushes us to crawl into a hole is also what pushes us to keep moving, keep looking for something better.
And everywhere we turn, whether to God, or away from him, whether to cause pain, or to be afflicted with it. God is there. He is not condemning us. He is standing there, crying, arms outstretched, as if I were his only creation and he was sitting, awaiting my arrival. Or was he pacing, impatiently wondering when I’d know and realize that I was only hurting myself. Or was he weeping; just as He is weeping now at my return, at my homecoming.
He does not condemn us, he cries for us. He cries when we hurt. He cries when we turn away. He cries, knowing that all that we strive for outside of him means pain. He cries when we return. In my lowliest hour, God cries tears of joy. He cries because I am in pain. He cries because I’ve suffered. He cries because I am home. I am home; safely wrapped in His arms, while his tears rain down on my soul, washing my pain, providing rest.
He cries, because I am home. He cries because I am His child. He cries because it’s me, His precious One.
He cries for Me. I am home.
Go home, let God cry for you.

Wretched words of Hopefullness

Face down
Black
Dark
Broken
Holding onto
Nothing
Flash
Bang
Drought of soul
Rising
Screaming
Breaking Silence
Stand
Arms High
Screaming
Wailing
Beating
Why
Wonder
Panting
Sighing
Quiet
Head lowered
Prayer
Questions
Answers
Hope
Forward
Looking
Dreaming
Finding
Wanting
Peace
Healing
Love
Desire
Affection
Holding
Sitting
Waiting
Attempting
Patience

Another day with more lovely anger and remembrance

Just sitting, whether listening to songs, the quiet, or the raging inferno, it's still there. There is only so much thought you can block out. I do try, I do think that blocking thoughts would be a great idea, if it actually worked. Who knows whether the driving force is thoughts or emotions. Either way, i am being driven. Perhaps mad. Perhaps into a place of solitude. Perhaps to a place of contentment in any storm. Yet driven is the rain that pelts me.
I read an article about a guy today who enlisted in the army because he needed health insurance. Reaon being: His wife had cancer, he'd been laid off, and he needed to pay for her treatement. He enlisted for 4 years and was going to miss his youngest daugthers whole entire High School life. And possibly his wife's last breathes if she expired while he was enlisted and overseas or unavailable... what absolute love. What absolute devotion to his family and his wife. They all understood, while none of them liked it. This complete extreme of sacrifice. What a testament.
And then i sit, looking at my own life. My wife, who struggled with cancer, where i hid my face to sob daily as i watched the struggle she was going through. Doing all i could to comfort her, help her, be what she needed. The fear on both of our faces took its toll. The thought of loosing her consumed me...
I feel for those people who are going through it now. I know your pain. I pray for your peace, perseverence, and patience for God's plan to be revealed.
I lost my wife...to a far worse cause and reasoning than a cancerous death. She's still alive, but she's not mine anymore. Everyday i learn to live without her. Some days better than others. The screaming in my head, the thoughts of consuming love and fear of loss, somehow i think helped me be able to endure this, this limbo, this unknown, this 'loss' without death.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know I've loved that woman more than anything in the world. Regardless of ever showing it again. It will be there. It will change. But it will remain. How could it not?
I still await Gods plan, sometimes patient, sometimes not, but i do await it. I have no other option.

What's most important...

Is on the inside.
I echo

HOPE is not just the name of a woman i know

Hope is the reason we keep walking. Not uphill, not downhill, but walking. Sure we run into those times where it could be ups and downs, or backwards, but it's the act of walking that is hopeful. Yet it is also the act of crawling that is hopeful. Being knocked down, dragged around, beaten bloody, yet we claw, we scratch, we beg and plead, but we keep moving, we keep crawling...because we believe in a high purpose. A high place of rest and peace. A place where life and death are both freeing and solace is granted.
Although bloodied and broken; hope remains.
Although bruised and battered; hope remains.
Although crawling and crying out; hope remains.
Even when the world is crushing us; hope remains.
There is more out there than we can see, hear, taste, touch or smell. Yet it is the sweet aroma of hope that moves us. The outstretched arms that beckon us. The sweetness on our lips that bids us. The music on our souls that animates us. The unseen that draws us ever onward and upward to that sweet place of Hope.
I will keep clawing. I will keep crawling. I will keep walking. I will keep Running.
I will keep...
HOPE
For You and Me

I'm Hear

Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Quietly sitting
Welcoming your tidal wave
Embracing
Your heart
Drawing your words
Receding the aching
In your chest, your lungs
Burning with the pressure
Caught fire by longing
Gasping
Tell me...explain
Weep till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Ravaged spirit
Take heart and draw near
Safe in my arms
Encircling your wounds
Embracing your heart
Knowing your fear
You are dear
Loved and wanted
My child
Consoled
Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here

m-t

Reaching Out…
Feeling tenderness
Embracing warmth
Holding tightly
Smell of skin
Taste of lips
Heart Beating
Unison
Reaching Out…
Empty Space
Darkened room
Broken promises
Necrotic air
Sorrowful bitter
Deafening silence
Alone
Hoping for…
Quiet Spirit
Rising Hope
Restored Joy
Breathe again
Find Peace
Stop Screaming
Content

A Gentle Reminder

All the words that rumble about in my brain and those that will proceed out of my mouth, Lord, You be the author of those.

Psalm 84:1 reminds me that God's dwelling place is lovely. So, I ask God to dwell in me richly. I want Him to be what radiates about me. I want Him to be my pretty today.
Not my hair. Not my outfit. Not my efforts. But simply Him and His spirit dancing invisibly about me... shifting a wrong attitude, guarding my words, and whispering constant truths into my heart.

Psalm 86:11 is what I ask the Lord to give me. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart..."

Lord, may nothing separate me from You today. Teach me how to choose only Your way today so each step will lead me closer to You. Help me walk by the truth and not my feelings.
Help me to keep my heart pure and undivided. Protect me from my own careless thoughts, words and actions. And keep me from being distracted by MY wants, MY desires, MY thoughts on how things should be.

Help me to embrace what comes my way as an opportunity...rather than a personal inconvenience.

And finally, help me to rest in the truth of Psalm 86:13a, "Great is your love toward me."
You already see all the many ways I will surely fall short and mess up. But right now, I consciously tuck Your whisper of absolute love for me into the deepest part of my heart. I recognize Your love for me is not based on my performance.

You love me warts and all.

Something for me

barely visible to the naked eye
sits something for me
through my fog and roiling seas
mountains and valleys
shouts and moaning
pins and needles
sits something for me
I can feel it
something great
not through touch
tingling sensations
rushes of wind
nor sixth senses
but, something sits for me
I believe it
within reach, sits something for me
though i can't quite reach it
the mire pulls me back and down
the wind blows me off course
though crushed by the weight of life
I rest assured

Knowing
over there, just beyond my reach
glowing in the darkness
peace and warmth
awaiting my arrival
waiting to embrace me
comfort me
hold me
provide peace, sweet relief,
and at last rest
Just beyond Me
Sits God waiting for Me.

Flying Away

"And I say, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8 (ESV)