Face Down

Have you ever thought about that moment? You know the one, where you ended up face down, sobbing into the carpet, tears welling into puddles of grief on the floor? How did I get here? How am I going to get up? Why me? Why now? I could’ve been so close, better, different. Why can’t it be just one more day, week, year? But no, it seems that there is some other purpose, a reason, pressuring the situation.
So now you lay, face down, curled up, fetal. So here you stay, broken, humbled, alone. So here you are, just you, heaving the depths of your soul onto the floor.
I was in a closet.
One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to endure had just occurred. So painful, that I had to run. I did run, past the people in the house, past the wood and stucco prison I now had to inhabit, empty. Up the stairs and fell face down, in the closet, heaving a grief stricken soul out onto the carpet already matted from the weight of my tears. Shuddering, Shivering, moaning, the guttural agony of my primal nature. My nature needs love. My nature needs compassion. My nature cries out for someone to hold. Every last ounce of me lurched onto the floor. And I lay, far from quietly, utterly alone.
Agonizingly I think of the part I played in this drama. We all play a part in the psychosis that we live each and every day. Sometimes we contribute heavily. Sometimes we are watchers. Either way, we play a part. The question … what part are we playing?
For me, I’m detaching, I feel like I am slowly turning into nothingness, as life passes me by. Slowly becoming the absence of love, like the abscess in my heart. Strange really, how one person, one word, one dream dreamt and unrealized can utterly catapult you into this place; A place where you are reduced to heart ache, heart break, heart wrenching loveless/love lost feelings.
I am reduced to lying face down on the floor, matted carpet, pain convulsions, empty.
There has got to be more than this. There has got to be more than what I have. What I’m offered. What I live.
Where is it? How do I grasp it? Dispelling feelings of empty space inside me, unlovable, worthless.
I cry out to the world, to the great expanse, and I sit back and listen…waiting.