BookEnds

I had two whole weeks to contemplate my small group topic for study last night. And what topic did i pick? Thankfullness. Which, in light of it being thanksgiving the prior week may have not been a stretch. However, thinking back to conversations I had over the last few weeks I took some time to sit and be thankful. And thankful. And thankful. You know what i came up with? There is a lot to be thankful for in my life. So many things, blessings, and people in my life that have brought so much joy, peace, and thanks to my life that it struck me...what am I stressing about?
Wait/What? Is Gary really going to change his stance on existence? Yes, i'm trying.
So my experiment that my group and I are embarking on: Bookends of Thankfullness.

Sitting on a shelf, tens, hundreds, thousands of books. Some Horror, Some Drama, Some Comedy, Romance, Self Help, History, and so on. This shelf is a wild connundrum of existence. On any given day you could pick up one of these books, take it down, and read about wild adventures or horrible misfortune. Destitue souls, or Souls Soaring with Romance. A caucophany of dissarray, displaced writings, and mismatched controversy. Yet what holds this ammalgamation together? BookEnds. BookEnds hold this seemingly mismatched roiling row in place, in hand, and under control.
The shelf is our lives. The book circumstances in them that affect us, either for good or bad, are the books. We become affected. What if thankfullness was our bookends? What if every night before bed, and every morning upon arising, we read our list of what we are thankful for, and pondered that throughout the day?
For the next two weeks. My group and I will embark on a mission of gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation bookending our day. More to come...

God's Tears

God doesn’t condemn me he cries…
I was talking with my friend the other day and we were discussing the act of living. The art of being, and the disappointment of this being all there is. What if there is more, where is the more, how do we find the more? We as men specifically, but as human kind also, constantly strive to find meaning, challenge, and more in our lives. We search. We hunt. We beg. We plead. We claw and scratch our eyes out looking for more, a reason. Yet what do we find? For many of us its heartache, pain, distraction, all of which only further burdens out hearts and increases the hole we are trying to fill.
Whether we know it or not, we are damaging to the core the very beings that we are. So much abuse happens in the world. Most everyone I know has been. Yet we wonder why the world is the way it is. Why we struggle the way we do. How we can live so affected by everything around us, close to us, and inside of us.
The answer, sadly, is that pain drives us forward and drives us mad. The very thing that pushes us to crawl into a hole is also what pushes us to keep moving, keep looking for something better.
And everywhere we turn, whether to God, or away from him, whether to cause pain, or to be afflicted with it. God is there. He is not condemning us. He is standing there, crying, arms outstretched, as if I were his only creation and he was sitting, awaiting my arrival. Or was he pacing, impatiently wondering when I’d know and realize that I was only hurting myself. Or was he weeping; just as He is weeping now at my return, at my homecoming.
He does not condemn us, he cries for us. He cries when we hurt. He cries when we turn away. He cries, knowing that all that we strive for outside of him means pain. He cries when we return. In my lowliest hour, God cries tears of joy. He cries because I am in pain. He cries because I’ve suffered. He cries because I am home. I am home; safely wrapped in His arms, while his tears rain down on my soul, washing my pain, providing rest.
He cries, because I am home. He cries because I am His child. He cries because it’s me, His precious One.
He cries for Me. I am home.
Go home, let God cry for you.

Wretched words of Hopefullness

Face down
Black
Dark
Broken
Holding onto
Nothing
Flash
Bang
Drought of soul
Rising
Screaming
Breaking Silence
Stand
Arms High
Screaming
Wailing
Beating
Why
Wonder
Panting
Sighing
Quiet
Head lowered
Prayer
Questions
Answers
Hope
Forward
Looking
Dreaming
Finding
Wanting
Peace
Healing
Love
Desire
Affection
Holding
Sitting
Waiting
Attempting
Patience

Another day with more lovely anger and remembrance

Just sitting, whether listening to songs, the quiet, or the raging inferno, it's still there. There is only so much thought you can block out. I do try, I do think that blocking thoughts would be a great idea, if it actually worked. Who knows whether the driving force is thoughts or emotions. Either way, i am being driven. Perhaps mad. Perhaps into a place of solitude. Perhaps to a place of contentment in any storm. Yet driven is the rain that pelts me.
I read an article about a guy today who enlisted in the army because he needed health insurance. Reaon being: His wife had cancer, he'd been laid off, and he needed to pay for her treatement. He enlisted for 4 years and was going to miss his youngest daugthers whole entire High School life. And possibly his wife's last breathes if she expired while he was enlisted and overseas or unavailable... what absolute love. What absolute devotion to his family and his wife. They all understood, while none of them liked it. This complete extreme of sacrifice. What a testament.
And then i sit, looking at my own life. My wife, who struggled with cancer, where i hid my face to sob daily as i watched the struggle she was going through. Doing all i could to comfort her, help her, be what she needed. The fear on both of our faces took its toll. The thought of loosing her consumed me...
I feel for those people who are going through it now. I know your pain. I pray for your peace, perseverence, and patience for God's plan to be revealed.
I lost my wife...to a far worse cause and reasoning than a cancerous death. She's still alive, but she's not mine anymore. Everyday i learn to live without her. Some days better than others. The screaming in my head, the thoughts of consuming love and fear of loss, somehow i think helped me be able to endure this, this limbo, this unknown, this 'loss' without death.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know I've loved that woman more than anything in the world. Regardless of ever showing it again. It will be there. It will change. But it will remain. How could it not?
I still await Gods plan, sometimes patient, sometimes not, but i do await it. I have no other option.

What's most important...

Is on the inside.
I echo

HOPE is not just the name of a woman i know

Hope is the reason we keep walking. Not uphill, not downhill, but walking. Sure we run into those times where it could be ups and downs, or backwards, but it's the act of walking that is hopeful. Yet it is also the act of crawling that is hopeful. Being knocked down, dragged around, beaten bloody, yet we claw, we scratch, we beg and plead, but we keep moving, we keep crawling...because we believe in a high purpose. A high place of rest and peace. A place where life and death are both freeing and solace is granted.
Although bloodied and broken; hope remains.
Although bruised and battered; hope remains.
Although crawling and crying out; hope remains.
Even when the world is crushing us; hope remains.
There is more out there than we can see, hear, taste, touch or smell. Yet it is the sweet aroma of hope that moves us. The outstretched arms that beckon us. The sweetness on our lips that bids us. The music on our souls that animates us. The unseen that draws us ever onward and upward to that sweet place of Hope.
I will keep clawing. I will keep crawling. I will keep walking. I will keep Running.
I will keep...
HOPE
For You and Me

I'm Hear

Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Quietly sitting
Welcoming your tidal wave
Embracing
Your heart
Drawing your words
Receding the aching
In your chest, your lungs
Burning with the pressure
Caught fire by longing
Gasping
Tell me...explain
Weep till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here
Ravaged spirit
Take heart and draw near
Safe in my arms
Encircling your wounds
Embracing your heart
Knowing your fear
You are dear
Loved and wanted
My child
Consoled
Tell me...explain
Talk till the blue in your face
Means internally no more pain
Draw from within
The rushing tide
And surface again
Breathing, alive
I am here